Do you know her?
It has been a year since he left. You knew there were many things he still wanted to do. You knew that if he had a choice, he would have chosen to stay. You also knew it was not a choice he could make.
In the past year, you have lived in two different worlds.
In one world, you are learning how to live as half of a couple. You meet new people who have never known him and do not know the person you were before he left. You surround yourself with people on the same journey and find comfort in knowing you are not the only one living this new life. You perfect the skill of pretending to be normal, even when you want to cry. At the end of your workday, you get in your car and immediately drive away. There is no one at home to text that you are on your way. You learn how to cook for one and to eat in silence.
In the other world, you focus on the past. When you drive along the shoreline, you see the both of you enjoying a day on the water. As you peel an orange, you see his hand reaching out towards you as he asks for a slice. You walk into the bathroom in the morning and see him at his sink brushing his teeth. You open your eyes in the middle of the night and see his head resting on the pillow next to yours. You see what used to be and not what is in front of you. The only time you are brought back to the present is when you look at yourself in the mirror. You see a woman with dark circles and sadness in her eyes, and you do not recognize her. She is a stranger. You do not know if he would recognize her if he saw her today.
You live in both worlds simultaneously.
You know your grief will never go away, and you know somehow, you will have to learn to live with this new companion. You know that your grief comes in waves. Sometimes, it is a tsunami that is all-consuming, and you feel like you cannot breathe. At other times it feels like a gentle ripple that softly laps against you as you go about your day. And because so much time has passed since he passed, you know neither wave lasts forever. If you wait long enough, this too shall pass.
You remind yourself that your grief is so deep because your love was so great. You remind yourself that you became the person you were to your children because of the life you built together. You remind yourself that your grief is a testament to your love. You now know what it is like to have grief and joy co-exist within you. You are a widow.
Fairy tale ending
If you had a traditional wedding, you most likely had it in front of family and friends, and at some point, you vowed to stay together “till death do you part.” You may have shed tears of joy as you said it. In our minds, we imagine building a life together and growing old with each other. We imagine loving each other until the very end. We imagine the fairy tale ending we saw in all the Disney films growing up.
But if we dig deeper into that scenario, it means two people will build a life together, and one day, one of them will close their eyes one last time and leave this earth, and one will be left behind. If you are the one left, welcome. You are now a resident of a neighborhood that you never wanted to visit: widowhood. Widowhood is a unique type of grief because it affects you financially, emotionally, physically, and daily. It isn't worse than other types of grief. It is just different. It is so different that more books are written about the grief of a spouse than any other type. Welcome to the neighborhood.
You are not alone
As the early weeks pass, you see the rest of the world moving on while yours has come to a halt. Friends and family go back to their lives, and you find yourself alone with your grief. Something as natural as breathing becomes something you must constantly remind yourself to do. And once you have remastered the art of breathing, you look around and think, “now what?” You have so many questions. Do I stay where I am, or do I move? Did I sleep last night? Why can’t I remember anything? Am I losing my mind? Will I ever be able to sleep in our bed again? Who will love and care for me like they did? You find yourself screaming, at the top of your lungs, “Come back!”
It may feel like you are alone, but you are not. Thousands of people lost their spouses the day you lost yours. They are asking the same questions, feeling the same things, and missing their beloved. All of them are in various stages of their grief. Some have learned to navigate this new world and share what they learned. Unfortunately, thousands more people will join it tomorrow as well. No, you are not alone.
Sure, you may live alone in your house, but that does not mean you have to live in solitude. You don't have to figure it out by yourself. There are many groups and organizations that offer grief counseling or grief support. Many books have been written on the topic, and many movies and television series deal with grief. The only thing you need to decide is which one is best for you.
· If you prefer an in-person meeting, there are many groups that you can attend. One of the largest ones is GriefShare. It is a faith-based support group, but it has meetings in many cities and online. It is for all types of grief, but they offer one-day events specific to being a widow during the holidays. On the Meetup app, there may be widow support groups listed near you. This will vary depending on your location.
· You may prefer the anonymity of an online group for widows. Facebook has several of them. You can find groups that are local to your zip code and ones that have members from all over the world. If you go that route, choose a private group that vets its members and watch the posts for a few days before you start posting. Remember that people are in various stages of their grief and grieve differently. Do not be surprised if someone’s story sounds so much like yours. Remember, you are not alone.
- If you do not feel like socializing in person or online, there are several books on the topic, many specific to grieving a spouse.
- If you don’t like to read there are many movies or television series in which the main character is a widow. In each of these mediums, you can find similarities to your grief and sometimes guidance. Some are serious and heavy, some are light and casual, and some are even humorous.
You will find some books and shows linked below.
If you are looking for straightforward advice from someone who has been through what you are experiencing, try one of these.
Books
Faith-based book
TV Series
This is a Netflix and is a true view of what grief looks like for a widow. It does have dark and humorous moments. Many residents of widowhood find it the truest view of widowhood.
This is an Apple TV+ dramedy series that is widowhood light. It sheds light on the dynamics of a widow with a teenage daughter that is also grieving.
Movie
This movie is available on several platforms. If you are a new widow, it may not be the best movie for you to watch alone.
Whichever you choose, find one that suits your needs and answers your questions. You never know; one day, you may be able to offer guidance or support to someone else who is struggling with grief.
If you are a widow, what advice would you share with a new resident of the widowhood neighborhood? Please. share in the comments
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