Sometimes, you just have to say no. It can suck, and it can be uncomfortable, but it’s unavoidable. Maybe you don’t have the time, energy, patience, or money to say yes. Maybe you already have unavoidable plans for that day. But even as you’re getting ready to say no, you can feel it.
The guilt.
It twists and turns in your stomach, makes you grimace, and consider agreeing anyway.
The other person asked so nicely. They obviously really need or want your help. Technically, you’re capable of agreeing.
But for whatever reason, you need to say no.
How do you do that without feeling guilty?
I’m so glad you’ve asked.
Why we feel guilty in the first place
I’m a firm believer in understanding why something is happening to better approach dealing with it. In this case, we need to understand why saying no can make us feel guilty.
It all comes down to wanting to preserve our relationship (personal or professional) with the other person. If a stranger asks you to do something for them, most people have no problem saying no and moving on. If a friend asks you to help them move, you want to preserve that relationship and know that rejecting their request might damage it.
Basically, we feel like we’re letting the other person down. They’ve come to us in their hour of need, and we say no. Sometimes, this is compounded by the fact that we might feel like we’re lying about our availability. You might not actually have plans, but after a long week at work, dog-sitting a rambunctious husky might be the last thing you want to do.
The important thing to remember about having to say no to people is that it’s more about yourself than it is the other person. You say no because you are choosing to prioritize yourself in that moment (whatever the reason for that might be), not because you inherently want to reject the person asking.
Many people struggle to prioritize themselves. Others grew up as people-pleasers, so they find saying no difficult in any situation. This isn’t a failing of any kind, but it does mean you’re more susceptible to burn out and stress. If you’re constantly moving, constantly agreeing, when do you have time for yourself?
Eventually you’re going to burn out. When you do, you won’t be able to help anyone, no matter how much you might want to.
Soothing the guilt
Whether you have time to think before giving an answer or have to answer right away, here are a few ways you can soothe the guilt that comes with saying no.
Remind yourself of why you’re saying no
You have a reason for saying no. Remember what it is. Do you already have plans for that day? Were you going to use it as a rest day after an intense week? Are you just financially incapable at the moment? These are all valid reasons.
Sharing your reason can also help soften the blow of saying no. If the person knows you can’t help because you’ve already committed to, for example, family plans, they’re less likely to feel outright rejected.
This doesn't mean you have to be specific; you can be vague if you don't want to overshare. A doctor's appointment can just be something you've got scheduled. Going out to lunch with a family member can just be family plans. Plans to relax are still plans, and you can treat them as such.
Offer an alternative
If you still want to help or want to soften the blow, offer an alternative to the person’s request.
Maybe you can’t help someone move, but could you help them unpack on a different day? You may not be able to pet-sit, but maybe you know a mutual friend who can. The important part is making sure the alternative is still related to the original request. You still want to help, just not in the way your friend originally asked.
By offering an alternative, you're still expressing a desire to help. Your friend isn't walking away thinking you just don't want to be there for them; they're now confident that you can still be relied upon.
Remember what is and isn’t your responsibility
You are, of course, responsible for your own actions and words. Your job here is to look out for yourself (i.e. have reasonable expectations for what you can handle) and communicate that. Rejections are best given politely but firmly. Even if someone isn't taking your rejection well, try your best to stay calm and collected.
As long as you’ve given your rejection politely (or apologetically, depending on the situation), you’re not responsible for the other person’s reaction. If they get upset or yell, that is on them, and you have no obligation to feel bad about it.
Of course, that’s easier said than done for some of us. It can be reassuring to hear, though, so just keep it in mind.
Practice makes perfect
This doesn’t necessarily mean practicing in front of a mirror, but maybe that’s what you need. You might be able to ask a close friend or family member to help you practice, too. It might sound ridiculous, but you could also just try imagining different scenarios where you have to say no. Even imaginary practice can make the real-world experience less daunting.
Seriously, though, give that article I linked a read. It's a fascinating look at the actual power of imagination.
Mainly, the more you practice saying no, the easier it will become.
Further Reading
For a few more in-depth guides to saying no, I've compiled a list of books from our catalog. Some of these will be older, but the advice is still solid.
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