Like many Americans, you are filled with a sort of free-floating anger whose origins you can't pinpoint and are a little afraid to dig too deep into. At the moment, you just need to let it out, and it doesn't much matter who you aim it at, but the less likely to fight back, the better, because you don't necessarily want to make it your life's work. You just need a release before you absolutely obliterate that massive stash of Halloween candy you got on sale last November at Mega-Lo-Mart.
Look. We've all been there. There's so much scary, unspeakable stuff going on in the world right now, from war, the dismantling of cherished democratic institutions, breakneck societal change, and the shockingly high cost of keeping your family clothed and fed, not to mention the mind-numbing vapidity of global influencer culture that has all the markings of a zombie apocalypse but with six-pack abs, butt implants, and enough lip filler to spackle the gaping hole where unmonetized joy used to live.
You're thinking you should start small, just dip your toe into the cultural discourse, so to speak. Then it happens: you run across a book about two male penguins raising a chick, or one that deals realistically with the life experiences of people who look, love, or worship in ways you don't care to understand, and your mission is clear. The book must be removed from the shelves for the good of society and your own fragile sensibilities.
Below you will find everything you will need.
Book Banner Starter Pack
Industrial-Strength Ego
Monumental enough to make you genuinely believe your opinion should override thousands of educators, child development experts, and—most importantly—other parents. Comes with the complementary notion that your beliefs are universal truths, not personal choices.
Context Obliterator
Removes all nuance and considerations of literary merit from any text. Allows you to reduce complex, award-winning novels to a single out-of-context paragraph because the last thing you need when challenging a book is a bunch of subtle and conflicting ideas gumming up your vein-popping outrage.
Selective Memory Eraser
Remember watching those R-rated slasher flicks with your older siblings when your folks were out for the evening? Or the Danielle Steel paperbacks you pulled out of the box of stuff your mom was donating, and how you dog-eared all the steamy parts even though you didn't really understand them? How about that time you missed the bus, and killed an hour in the library looking up every single dirty word or suspected dirty word you had ever heard in that honkin' big Merriam-Webster Unabridged Dictionary? Well, those memories and many others have to go. Why? Because you know in your bones that none of it did you a bit of harm, and in fact you occasionally recall those times with wistful nostalgia. You see the problem now? You can't have your own lived reality contradicting you when you're on this crusade to protect the children from fart jokes and gay penguins.
Social Media Echo Chamber (Premium Edition)
Comes pre-loaded with lists of "dangerous" books you won't bother to read, dog-whistle talking points, and at least three people who will affirm that your concern about a Newbery Medal-winning picture book is both valid and urgent. Automatically filters out anyone who questions the validity of your claims and your motives.
Concern Troll Handbook
Essential phrases include: "I'm just worried about the children," "As a parent, I have the right to—," and "I'm not trying to ban books, BUT..." Helps you frame censorship as liberty and control as caring.
And It's All Free...Sort of
You're going to have to decide whether your long-held belief in ideas like 'live and let live,' equality, and the freedom of speech and thought was just lip service and, ultimately, just isn't important when you're staring down the terrifying notion of trans people living as they choose or the descendants of enslaved people writing thoughtfully about the system of enslavement's ongoing repercussions.
This starter pack does not include concern for children's actual educational needs, trust in young people's ability to process complex ideas, respect for professional educators and other people who have spent their working lives studying childhood development, or the understanding that your job as a parent is to guide your own children—not police everyone else's.
Side effects may include: tunnel vision, tone-deafness, unintentionally encouraging teens to seek out the exact books you want to keep from them, and cluelessness about how education and literacy work and what the United States Constitution actually means.
Instead of the starter pack, you could always try these alternatives: Trust other parents to make informed choices for their own families. Let young people access books that reflect their lives and expand their understanding of the world. And if a book isn't right for your child, simply put it back on the shelf and find one that is. Any librarian will be genuinely happy to help you.
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