Do any of these situations sound familiar?
- Your 12-year-old approaches you with an odd look on their face, and asks, "I think I just started my period. What do I do?"
- Your 8-year-old asks, "Why did grandma die? Will I die? What happens when we die?"
- Your 16-year-old says, "What would happen to me if y'all got a divorce?"
- Your crying 10-year-old tells you, "I think I just lost my best friend!"
It's time to activate parenting mode!
No one ever feels completely ready for these conversations—but with a little guidance, you can handle them with compassion and clarity.
A Step-by-Step Plan
Before you begin:
Remember that Kids and teens can handle hard truths and situations.
They are young, but not simple. Young minds are still complex, and should be treated as such. So, be truthful while reassuring them that you and other caring adults will always do your best to support them.
In the moment, it can be hard to remember this; you'll probably be thinking something more like, "Well, crud. What the **** do I tell them? I need my own adult!"
Breathe. You got this!
1. internally rejoice
Your kid feels safe and cared for enough to come to you with a hard question or topic! Yes, some dread and doubt will creep in, too, but focus on the fact that your child trusts you and that you can navigate their concerns together.
2. Give them your complete attention
Put down the phone, leave the dishes in the sink for now, tell the person you're talking to that you'll get back to them.
However, If it's just a bad time (the baby's screaming, dinner's on the hot stove, you're driving, out in public, etc.), tell your kid that you WILL get back to them, but that this moment is too hectic. You can say, "Sweety, I hear you, but can we put a pin in this topic for now, and I promise we will talk again today when I can give you my full attention?" Then, follow up as soon as you possibly can. Also, tag team if you can: ask another parent or trusted adult in the house to either take over the immediate situation for you, or to speak with the inquiring child until you are free.
3. Ask for clarification, if needed
"Are you hurt, bleeding, suffering, etc. at the moment?" If so, address any immediate needs before launching into a discussion.
4. Reassure and validate
Children need to know that they can count on you, even if you can't fully answer their questions. Try addressing their concerns truthfully, while leaving things open to discussion. "I don't know exactly what would happen, but we will always love you and make sure you are taken care of. How do you feel when you think about it? That makes sense. Let's talk about it and find a way for you to feel better about it."
5. Actively listen
When your child expresses fears or worries, take a beat. Listen. Reflect back to them what they’re feeling and ask if you’ve understood correctly what they’re saying. You can even share a time when you felt fearful over something similar when you were a kid. Be sure to acknowledge their fear, but then encourage bravery: “I know this is making you nervous, but I also know you can get through it, and I’m here to help with that.”
- Ask other open-ended questions:
- "When did you start thinking or worrying about this?"
- "What triggered your fear/anxiety/depression?"
- "Is this something you're scared of happening?
- "Do you know someone who this is happening to or has happened to?"
- Try active listening by repeating or summarizing their question or concern:
- "So, your friend said ... and that made you feel angry. Y'all had a fight, and now you're not sure if you can save your friendship. Is that right?"
- "I'm hearing that you want to have the option of living with your mom/dad/grandparent because they make you feel safe. It that true?"
6. Assess and plan
Follow the line of logic in what your child says, along with your prior knowledge, to get to the root (or near to) of the issue. Often, kids (and adults) can assuage their fears by learning more about a topic (time for a library trip!*). If it seems like something beyond what you or other adults in the family are qualified to handle, consider professional help.
- "It sounds like you're more worried about...?"
- "We can make a plan for when you need support or help."
- "Let's do some research and learn more about..."
- "Would you like to talk to a therapist together and/or alone?"
7. Follow up
Check in with your kid about the issue after a few days to see how they're doing. If they are doing better, ask what's been working well; if worse, talk further, and make a doctor or therapy appointment if necessary.
Consider setting a regular time to talk about specific topics or just general things. Maintaining regular, open communication can help kids feel more grounded, even in the midst of a personal crisis.
My teenager and I have scheduled check-in time on Sunday evenings to talk about our week, including anything he needs to get off his chest. We actively keep things in mind to mention during check-in time that we just want to share with each other, as well as things that we're concerned about. Of course, he knows that he can come to me or his father at any time with questions or issues, too. Having a set time every week ensures that we have one-on-one time no matter what. Thanks to these weekly sessions, my son has been able to talk to me about some heavy stuff (getting into fights, dealing with bullies, grades, locker room shenanigans), and our relationship has grown from it! I make a point to share my own current and childhood experiences when appropriate and relevant, which helps my kid know that he's not alone, that certain things happen to most people, and we can grow from or overcome just about anything together!
Check-in Time suggested outline:
- What was a highlight of your week? What was a low point of your week?
- Who did you interact with and how did it go?
- Tell me something that you're proud of or happy with yourself for doing (or not doing)?
- What goals do you want to set for next week? How will you try to succeed or make progress?
What other questions or prompts can you think of that would be good for you and your kids? Let us know in the comments!
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