I’m not perfect, and neither are you.
Let’s start with the fact that we all make mistakes, and as Alexander Pope said, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” We’ll talk about the “forgive” part later, but first, I want to focus on what should come after the “err.” Believe me, you're not the first person to say, "It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry." Making a sincere apology is not an easy task. There are some undeniable facts about apologies that I think we should cover first. And then I will lay out some simple questions to ask yourself before making that apology, and offer some tips on what to say, and, more importantly, what not to say.
First, here are a few truths we need to face:
Apologizing doesn’t make you weak.
It actually takes strength to admit you were wrong. Our egos might scream otherwise, but the ability to be vulnerable enough to say, “I messed up,” shows maturity and self-awareness.
You don’t get to decide if your actions hurt someone.
This was a tough one for me to get my head around. In a world where a lot of people like to play the “victim.” You may not have intended to hurt someone, but if they feel hurt, that’s their experience—and it’s real. Apologies should validate the other person’s feelings, not defend our own intentions.
Just like in comedy, timing matters.
An apology that comes too late, or feels forced, can feel hollow. That doesn’t mean you have to rush it before you’re ready—but don’t wait forever hoping the problem just disappears. Spoiler: It rarely does.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology.
Let’s just go ahead and bury that phrase in the backyard. It dodges accountability and shifts blame. A real apology focuses on your role in the situation, not the other person’s reaction.
Before You Apologize: Ask Yourself These 4 Questions
If you’re considering an apology—and you probably should if you're reading this—here are four questions to help you prepare:
1) What exactly am I apologizing for?
Be specific. Vague apologies like “I’m sorry for whatever I did” usually don’t help. Think about what happened, what your part in it was, and how it affected the other person.
2) Am I ready to take responsibility?
If your apology is going to be full of excuses or deflection, maybe take a beat. Owning your part doesn’t mean you’re the villain of the story, but it does mean you’re willing to acknowledge your impact.
3) Do I want to repair the relationship, or just relieve my guilt?
This is an important distinction and a question you should really spend some time considering. If you’re apologizing only to make yourself feel better, then the other person will likely sense that—and that’s just making the situation worse. Apologies should be about making things right, not making yourself feel better.
4) Am I prepared for their response, whatever it is?
You can’t control how someone receives your apology. They might accept it, they might need time, or they might not be ready to forgive. That’s their choice, and you need to respect it. If you are fortunate enough to get the chance to make a sincere apology and it doesn't seem to have made a difference, that’s okay. Give them a chance to speak, listen respectfully, and then walk away.
How to Apologize (If You Actually Mean It) 
Now that you have done all the prep work—asked and answered the important questions—here are some solid gold tips.
Start with “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.”
Use the actual words. Don’t dance around them with awkward euphemisms. Don’t stare at your feet or fidget with your keys. Be an adult. Be direct.
Say what you’re sorry for.
“I’m sorry for raising my voice during the meeting. That was unprofessional and uncalled for.” Specificity is key here. This can be difficult, but “owning” what you are sorry for is a crucial step in letting them know you mean what you say.
Acknowledge the impact.
Let them know you understand how your actions affected them. “I realize that made you feel disrespected, and that’s not okay.”
Take responsibility. Do not justify the offense!
Avoid the word “but” at all costs! Explain what you did, without trying to justify it. If they want to know “Why,” be honest and forthright, but don’t make excuses for your actions.
Share what you’ll do differently.
An apology without change is just noise. “Going forward, I’ll be more mindful of my tone and make sure I don’t let frustration drive my reactions.” And then follow through with your actions. This is crucial to integrity, keeping your word.
Be open to dialogue.
After your apology, let them talk. Listen without interrupting or defending. Sometimes the apology opens the door to a deeper conversation. From personal experience, after you have absolutely heard everything they need to say, this is a good time to gracefully remove yourself from the conversation. This doesn’t mean you are closing the door forever; just give all parties involved a chance to think about everything that was said. Be open to revisiting the subject if they want to talk in the future, but don’t force them to sit through another potentially awkward conversation if it is not necessary.
PRO TIPS -- What Not to Say
If you catch yourself about to say any of these, BITE YOUR TONGUE! Pause and rethink:
- “I’m sorry you feel that way.” (Already covered, but worth repeating.)
- “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” (This makes it about your intent, not their experience.)
- “But you also…” (That’s called deflection. Save it for a different conversation.)
- “I was just joking.” (Minimizing someone else’s hurt only digs the hole deeper.)
Real Apologies Build Real Trust
When we own our mistakes and show that we care about how we affect others, we build credibility and grow as individuals. People trust us more when they know we’re honest about our flaws and committed to doing better.
Apologizing doesn’t erase what happened, but it does show that we’re not trying to pretend that it didn’t. Honesty creates space for healing, growth, and mutual respect.
And Finally... Forgiveness
Remember that Pope quote from earlier? “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” While this blog is mainly about the apology, I want to touch on the forgiveness piece.
Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting or excusing. It’s about releasing the grip that someone’s actions have on your peace of mind. Whether you're the one seeking forgiveness or the one offering it, the process is rarely linear or simple. But it's worth it.
And don’t overlook the fact that sometimes, the person you need to forgive is yourself. We all mess up—but what matters most is what we do next.
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